Gainful

According to Gawker, the new "emergency backup job [of the creative underclass] is burglary." Now, I would consider myself a member of this "creative underclass," despite my illustrious post-collegiate career consisting solely of jobs where "How would you like your steak cooked?" is a valid question. I've been working as a not-so-diligent job-hunter for the past month or so, and through this disheartening search I've found that I don't even think I'm qualified for burglary. The last few listings for Petty Criminal & Thievery I've found on CraigsList ask for at least 3-5 years of experience and proficiency in Adobe Creative Suite. It's a frustrating time to be looking.

A New York Times article recently featured the "personal music stylist" as a growing occupation. Recession-proof? Doubtful, but it sounds like the perfect job. Stylists go to clients' homes or offices, sniff around a bit, investigate the style and decor and then offer up hours of music that matches the space. If I'd known all along that I could be getting paid cash money to impose my musical tastes on others, well, that diploma I've been using as a lovely placemat wouldn't have been necessary, that's for sure.

It made me think: if picking out other people's music is a career, what other pipe-dream jobs could I be making a living doing?

I wouldn't necessarily mind being Lucy Ricardo in the bon-bon factory. My experience sitting around munching on leftover Halloween candy could easily translate to sneaking delicious bon-bons off a conveyor belt.

Could I be Sarah Silverman? This one's a little tougher, because I don't really mean that I'd like her job-- I mean I'd like to be her. Short of some Freaky Friday theatrics, I don't know if it's possible. However, I already have experience making insensitive jokes at inappropriate times, wearing T-shirts and jeans all the time, and having a love-hate relationship with Jimmy Kimmel. I'm writing my cover letter as we speak. Dear Ms. Silverman...

What about professional blogging? I know it exists-- there are people out there who do exactly what I'm doing right now (that is, sit in bed in their pajamas, drink too much Diet Coke and self-publish all their thoughts into the Web void), and make money doing it. Dear readers, this one is considerably more doable-- but you each have to start sending me regular paychecks, yes? I'll be checking the mail daily.

For now, though, I won't be quitting my day job. Which currently consists of combing the internet for actual day jobs and not making any money. Anybody got any leads?