An Addendum

My Ron Swanson pumpkin wearing the hat from my roommate's Janet Snakehole costume: For reference: It's uncanny, no?

The Ron Swanson Pumpkin of Greatness

I had an epiphany today.

Said epiphany was that I wanted to carve a Ron Swanson pumpkin. Surely this was a unique and original idea that the world had never seen, right? Then I had a second epiphany, about what's basically the non-sexual, Parks & Recreation-themed version of the Internet's Rule 34-- if you can think of it, somebody somewhere has probably made Ron Swanson out of it.

Nonetheless I persevered, and here is the result. It's a little ragged, but hey, my artistic medium of choice is construction paper, not lumpy holiday gourds. For a slightly spookier version:

Women! Am I Right, Ladies?

Women like some weird porn.

Or at least, so we're meant to believe. This book came out awhile ago (years ago? I don't know; my cultural knowledge is timeless), and kind of simultaneously confuses and annoys and amuses me.

Okay, full disclosure: I hate to clean. I'm not good at it-- I have a blind spot for crumbs, dirty clothes and full dishwashers. My idea of straightening up has always been just that-- literally straightening the piles of stuff littering my floor, my desk, my shelves. So you'd think nothing would make me say, "oh baby!" like watching a hot man vacuum my carpet, if you know what I mean (like, actually vacuum my actual carpet. On the floor my house. Mind out of the gutter, please). Right?

Of course not! Because that's ridiculous. Sure, I'd love to be cooked for and cleaned up after-- once I'm rich and famous, I'll be splurging on the celebrity chef and housekeeper. But to imply that dudes picking up after me serves the same purpose for me that looking at pictures of naked people serves for men? I call bullshit.

Not to go all feminist on you (although that shouldn't be a dirty word and I shouldn't have to disclaim that), but it's the whole implication that women are sexless, domestic creatures, harried by those pesky men and their active sex drives that irks me. All we want is a clean house and a vast array of babies to care for, am I right, ladies? Clearly women are buying into this stuff-- that's why it sells. But I don't want to buy into it.

I was watching Whitney Cummings' comedy special on Netflix Instant the other day. From my limited knowledge of Cummings' recent career, she's kind of an up-and-comer (badumCH) on the comedy scene, and has not one but two sitcoms on the schedule for the fall ("2 Broke Girls," which she's co-producing and the eponymous "Whitney," in which she's starring, obviously). I wanted to check her out because of the buzz surrounding her, and also because there really is a dearth of well-known, funny female comics, and I hoped I'd like her comedy.

I didn't. I couldn't get through the special. I did a little light Googling to see if maybe her "men are gross and women like babies!" schtick was tongue-in-cheek, satirical or a Joaquin-Phoenix-level hoax, and found precious little to support any of that. I'm not claiming that she's totally serious about everything she's saying (I recognize that it's just comedy, and she's not under oath or anything). She doesn't necessarily espouse all these views, nor are all of them all that bad. She's mostly just trafficking in well-worn stereotypes. But she's saying them and women are laughing (agreeing?).

Sample jokes from "Money Shot":

On Cosmopolitan's sex tips:

"I don't have to do any tricks in the bedroom. I have a vagina, okay. Ta-da! I just get to take a Tylenol PM and lie there."

On role-playing in the bedroom:

"Ladies, next time your man asks you to dress up in a friggin' costume to have sex with him, go to the bathroom, tell him you're gonna slip into something more comfortable, come out in a wedding dress, okay? Get a baby stroller. He'll never get an erection again. It's awesome."

On sex-tapes:

"I had a friend ask me, 'Have you ever made a sex tape?' She's a... slut."

On men's balls:

"News flash: They're terrible. They're disgusting. They're awful."

On alternatives to giving a man the silent treatment:

"Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many fucking questions as possible. I don't understand; who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand; why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we gonna have a baby? And eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you fuckin' win that argument."

I didn't finish watching, and I really don't want to pass judgment on Cummings' as a woman or a comic based solely on 20 minutes of her stand-up special. I'll give her shows a fair shake. And to be fair, I'm torn between my distaste for the points she makes in her comedy and my belief that pretty much anything should be fair game for humor. If a comic wants to joke about women baby-trapping men and being cold fish in bed, they should have every right to do so.

I just don't have to laugh.

I feel like we as women need to re-brand a little bit here. I'm not suggesting anyone pull the whole "Look at me! I'm so different from those other girls. I drink beer and like football!" thing that I know I've been guilty of from time to time (but I really do love beer and football, so it's not an act-- even if I have to admit to liking the way non-"traditionally girly" interests like those can impress or intrigue men). I'm just saying, maybe don't play into the stereotypes. Maybe don't buy things marketed as "porn for women" that just consist of pictures of male models wielding feather-dusters. Maybe don't laugh at "OMG, us women are so naggy, aren't we?" comedy that comes from supposedly edgy, enlightened women.

Women: We're not so bad. Am I right, ladies?

Where's The Beef?

How could you not look at this and crave a big pile of delicious, delicious meat? Or maybe all the bacon and eggs you have.

[via Vulture]
[full size at NBC.com]

Bloodshot

My first thought as I watched this teaser for the newest season of Dexter was how pretty Michael C. Hall's green eyes are. So of course, that's what they had to mess with for dramatic effect, pooling blood into his steely gaze.

Dexter, I think maybe you should get that looked at. Blood-shot eyes are one thing, but yuck.

Nevermind the fact that this teaser tells us very little about the show's sixth season. It tells us what we need to know-- indeed, it tells us what the Dexter marketing campaign has told us pretty much every single season: "Oh shit, we screwed up. Don't worry; this season, he's going to be really into murdering." One of these days I'd like Dexter to get some character development that doesn't reset each September.

#MoreInterestingPosts

Today on Twitter, the hashtag #LessInterestingBooks began to trend. Why, this is a delightful game to play while I'm supposed to be working, I thought to myself. A portion of the results:

Seriously, though, you should follow me on Twitter. I try to entertain.

Finales & Premieres

Today: Vulture offered up a guide to picking and choosing what TV shows you should watch three months from now. I think I've made my decisions based on the very little information I have, and let me tell you, a lot of it involves James Van Der Beek.

Meanwhile, elsewhere on NY Mag's site, I was reminded of why I love Paul F. Tomkins' American Idol recaps. The twice-weekly experience of reading them is not enough, however, to make me care that the show is apparently about to end or something. That country boy is about to win, yes? I sit here before you today with mixed emotions in knowing that I've finally reached the moment where American Idol is completely beyond my concern. To think that two seasons ago, I may have sent a text or two. What can I say, Kris Allen really got me with that Once cover.

Never fear; there's other stuff happening on the internet, like Louis CK's preview of the upcoming season of Louie:


The clip, of course, is not all that entertaining, but if you caught season one (on Netflix, natch-- what are we, pilgrims? We don't watch TV in real-time), you know just how fantastic this series is. I look forward to season two, which I will likely watch all in one sitting months after it airs.

There's also yesterday's Muppet trailer, a new Nerdist episode featuring Patton Oswalt (delightful!), the reveal of who Lenny Kravitz is going to play in The Hunger Games (lolwat?) and apparently the season finale of Glee is tonight, but we all joint-quit that months ago, right? RIGHT?

If not, take tonight as your opportunity to do so and spend that newfound hour of your life hugging your family or correcting someone on the internet or something. It'll be worth the sacrifice.