An Open Letter To Katherine Heigl

Dear Ms. Heigl,

Listen, bitch.

I get it. You want out of your contract. And I can't say that I blame you for your past comments about the material you were given. Between the beautiful Denny arc of season 2 (back when we here at IoE were tolerant of JDM's continued presence on Grey's) and this current season, Izzie's plot-lines left a lot to be desired. I don't blame you for getting a little bored.

And then your film career began to take off! Knocked Up and 27 Dresses both did well at the box office. Of course, two hits do not a movie-star make, and you do lose points for starring in the lowest-grossing film of all time. But still! Your future looked bright, man, and you probably felt artistically stifled by Grey's Anatomy. And I'm here to tell you that it's okay to feel that way.

But listen. If they really do kill off Izzie Stevens to accommodate your lofty filmic aspirations, I will cut a bitch. I cannot idly stand by and watch Alex Karev's heart break like that (again! Remember Ava?). Over the past five seasons we have watched him go from a smart-ass kid to a good man, all the while he's been Shonda Rhimes' favorite punching bag. And I can't handle watching Alex mourn his dead wife, mmkay? You out of all of us know how heartwrenching Grey's can get when dealing with the death of a main character's loved one-- we all remember watching Izzie deal with Denny's demise. Don't do that to poor Alex.

Or do. Whatevs. But if I see you on the street, I might have to go all hood on your ass.

Seriously.

Sincerely,

Isle of Everything

An Open Letter To Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Dear Mr. Morgan,

Please get a new job.

By no means my first experience with you, but definitely the first time I cared enough to Google you, was your stint on Grey's Anatomy as heart transplant patient Denny Duquette. I rooted for you as you worked your way into Katherine Heigl's heart. I even shed a tear or two (or three or four) when, as things are wont to go at Seattle Grace Hospital, things went wrong, and you died tragically. Upon IMDbing you, I found that I had previously enjoyed your work without realizing it-- as similarly dead Judah Botwin on Weeds, even as Joe Zukowski (whoever that is) on a 2005 episode of The O.C.. You convinced me. I became a fan.

But that was over two seasons ago. Since then, you've reprised your Grey's role seven times. Doesn't a dead guy have better things to do than skulk around Seattle Grace? Currently, the esteemed Ms. Rhimes has Denny haunting Heigl's Izzie, and worse, interfering with her burgeoning relationship with dreamy doc Alex Karev. This I cannot abide.

IMDb lists you as having six films either in production, in post-production or completed but as yet unreleased. One of these is even 2009's The Watchmen, which has every nerd I know spazzing out and may even convince me to give reading the graphic novel it's based upon a shot. Do you really need a paycheck so badly that you have to keep flogging a dead heart transplant patient, so to speak, on Grey's Anatomy? Maybe it ups your rom-com cred with the chicks, and I get that, I do. But seriously? Seriously. Let Denny requiescat in pace and stick with your day job. This moonlighting gig at Seattle Grace is just grating on my nerves.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Morgan. I truly am a fan. I think you're great, even if half the time people just confuse you for Robert Downey, Jr. Keep up the good work in films, and soon your stint in Shondaland will be a mere afterthought on a resume.

Seriously.

Sincerely,

Isle of Everything