Crushes On Really Inappropriate Men

As humans, we have a tendency to want what we can't have, aspire for the unattainable. When you daydream about Joe Jonas or Ed Westwick or George Clooney or whoever floats your sailboat, you don't actually believe they're going to come sweep you off your feet in your sleepy town, armed with flowers and chocolates. But it's nice to know that it's remotely possible-- they're alive, and, well, they're human.

Growing up, I had crushes on the usual suspects (JTT was popular in my household, as was the youngest Hanson brother). But I also went for a few guys who were a little sketchier-- as in, animated.

The first that I can remember is Dale, of "Ch-ch-ch-chip 'n Dale, Rescue Rangers" fame. Even as a little kid I had a strong preference for one chipmunk over the other. Dale was the laid-back, devil-may-care, mischievous one with the red nose. With him around, I could never go for the no-nonsense and responsible Chip. No contest. So yeah, Dale held a special place in my heart, and we had a standing date for years-- every afternoon on the Disney Channel.

Later on in childhood, a boy named Arnold caught my eye. He was a little less my type, except for the wild hair, but he reminded me of a boy I'd had a real life crush on in 5th grade. Our relationship was on-and-off, whenever I caught an episode of Hey Arnold! on Nickelodeon.

I think most girls my age had a crush on Dmitri from Anastasia. I know all us girls who would watch it in college did. And who wouldn't? He was dreamy, and voiced by adorable John Cusack to boot. Yeah, there's that abnormally large bump in his nose that's pretty distracting in profile, but every guy has flaws, even cartoon guys. And okay, he's a con man, but with a heart of gold! Watching him fall in love with Anya is just cute and romantic enough to make you forget about all the historical inaccuracies in the world.

And then there's the one you always come back to. For me, it's not even a question-- it's Robin Hood. He may be a fox, but he's one foxy fox. That accent! Those... archery skills! That do-gooder-bending-the-rules moral code! Maid Marion is one lucky lady. She gets the fox of my dreams.

So what do you think; have I got a chance with any of these bachelors? Honestly, it seems like I'd have the best luck with Dale, since Helga, Anya and Marion would probably be none too pleased at me going after their men. And you know, I think I'd make a good Rescue Ranger. It's always good for a girl to have options.

Crushes On Inappropriate Men

I know you're all sitting at home contemplating the state of Isle of Everything on a near-daily basis. And the conclusion you've probably come to is this: Isle of Everything's pretty fantastic, but what it really could use is more ridiculous regular features, am I right? Well you got it. Introducing the first installment of:

Crushes On Inappropriate Men

Kicking it off is our very own Vice President, Crazy Joe Biden! Just look at that grin, huh? And yes, I could be wrong, but I believe his official title is in fact, Vice President Crazy Joe Biden. Crazy Joe, for short. This 66-year-old cutie is just a heartbeat away from the big job, and is eons more attractive than his predecessor, former Vice President Crazy Dick Cheney (what is it about the Vice Presidency that attracts the loons?). I guess the most important question to ask about Crazy Joe is, was he always so devastatingly handsome? The answer, of course, is a resounding yes. Unlike some of his fellow politicians (check out Blagojevich!), Crazy Joe was probably a hit with the ladies when he was younger.

Would you look at that? What a heartthrob back in the day. He wasn't really my type, of course (his hair just isn't crazy enough and he doesn't bear even a passing resemblance to a hobo), but nevertheless, easy on the eyes.

Just like with George W. Bush, I have to admit that the Joe Biden in my mind is made up almost entirely of the Joe Biden of Saturday Night Live. Jason Sudeikis portrays Crazy Joe as batshit insane, and I have to believe that's an accurate depiction. I mean, Will Ferrell's Bush was pretty dead-on. Tina Fey's Sarah Palin as well. SNL has a good track record for getting it right, so I have no reason to believe that Crazy Joe is not every bit as crazy as he looks on TV.

I'll leave you with this:



Q. What's the difference between a pit bull and Joe Biden?
A. You can teach a pit bull to keep its mouth shut!

Next up on Crushes On Inappropriate Men: Brian Williams!